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healing and forgiveness for happiness

healing and forgiveness for happiness

Published by spellzea

Healing and forgiveness crossed my mind

I am listening to a podcast while I make my coffee, and with every sip, something catches my attention and makes me more interested in the topic of healing and forgiveness. I usually do a lot of stuff while listening to a podcast, and now that I’ve heard Joyce Pring and Angeli Dub’s conversations about healing and forgiveness, I’m so invested that I really want to hear their thoughts on it.

They also mentioned that you can definitely be happy by releasing all the negativity, such as anger, from your heart. Building good relationships with the people who really care for you is also a stepping stone to a happy life.

The episode “Why Transformations Are So Painful?“ with Joyce Pring from the Life in Progress podcast is a mind-changer for me. Someone who has so much anger in my heart and blames my parents for having a chaotic life.

“And at the end of the day, no matter how successful you are, how much money you make, when you die, it’s your relationships that will really matter. It’s the people whose lives you’ve touched” – Joyce Pring

“Having forgiveness is allowing myself to let go of the anger because I realized that the anger did nothing to change the situation.” – Joyce Pring

A real victim or just a main character vibe?

healing and forgiveness
Image from Pinterest

“We have the choice because we become adults. So I think it’s not really good that we always put the blame and not take accountability.” – Angeli Dub

After hearing what Angeli Dub said, it made me realize, like,

(Yeah, she is right, It isn’t my parents fault to begin with, I just blame them and make them accountable for m life but it’s not their fault This is my life, I’m an adult, I have all the right to do what’s best for myself bu I didn’t and just to not feel the pain and conscience, i put the blame to them for not being the parents I expect them to be, I blame them for comparing me to other people, I blame them for being unfair to me with my siblings until I started to hate them and it becomes an anger until now.)

But whatever reason I have for hating and growing my anger towards them, they are just human. They also figure out how they will become parents, good ones. I focused on all the negative ones without realizing that I’m also happy eating 3x a day, living in a comfortable house, finished my studies, and now working as an adult. I am also privileged in that way, unlike other people who didn’t have that and had to work for themselves to study, eat, and live.

I feel so ungrateful in this, but my anger keeps coming back whenever my parents show unfairness towards me. I feel so left out in this family. I’m the one they usually judge, and I worked hard to get to where I am now, but they aren’t proud of me. They never were. For them, my sister is their muse, their favorite, and someone they can boast about being a Doctor. A professional, and they don’t even find me a professional at some point.

It’s hard for me to forgive, but I’ve also realized that the anger I’ve been holding for decades doesn’t help me with anything. Didn’t do anything, but it pulls me away from people. I started avoiding sharing and interactions because I am not capable of anything; I am not smart, not good-looking, not something parents would be proud of, and it really affects how I view and carry myself to this day. It is also the root cause why I am scared of judgements and people’s opinion because I think they are right just like my parents.

When will I release myself?

After listening to this episode from Life in Progress, I also started to view my life and see the patterns. And yes, anger doesn’t help me at all. It just made me aloof and avoidant of the people I should cherish and love. Even to my friends whom I stopped talking to for years, because of my thought that one day, they will also judge me the way my parents did.

But I judgement is something out of my control. Wherever I go, people will have something on their mind, their impressions of me, and it’s normal. I should stop putting my worth in their hands. I should learn to carry myself with strength and remain unaffected by external factors that don’t really contribute to my growth.

It’s really hard to forgive, but I will try my best to free myself from this kind of cage.

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twisted truth.

Published by spellzea

Why is it hard to uncover the truth?

I saw a dog-and-bee game and installed it. At first, it was fun playing it, but it became a war game where I needed to build my castle, upgrade heroes and buildings, and research and gather resources every day, turning it from a simple game I thought was fun into a chore. I have to do it every day to upgrade the level of my castle, and to play the Dog and Bee.

If I failed to upgrade all my resources, buildings, tech, and heroes, players from other unions can attack and zero me out by killing all of my soldiers. 

I hate how advertisements work where I am fooled into downloading it and get stuck because I started enjoying the game, being competitive, and being friends with my unionmates. 

I have met a lot of people from that game. We are from different countries, with different beliefs and cultures. Some are very friendly and talkative every day, and some are just quiet and do their dailies without interacting with anyone. Then there’s me, a mix of being quiet yet still interacting with others. I am an introvert by nature, but can be talkative and friendly online, especially when I feel comfortable with the person I’m talking to.

I enjoyed exchanging stories with them, but I still look for people from my country. Because it is easier to communicate using our own language. I’m not a native English speaker, and sometimes it is still a barrier for me to express what I really feel.

How did it really start?

There are many people from my country, and we share many stories. Then the union leader created a Discord server for easier communication, where we can also share pictures, links, emojis, and more. 

I want to spill that I caught myself entering a romantic relationship with someone I just met in the game. But maybe I’ll share it in a different post because it’s really traumatizing.

Twisted Truth
Image from Pinterest

Being involved with someone in the game causes a lot of stress for me, which affects my beliefs about the people around me. From playing and enjoying the game to finding myself getting stressed out, unconsciously doubting every person I talk to, and even doubting myself and my worth.

He is a kiss-and-tell guy. He shares a lot of stuff and tries to correct everything about me. He wants to change me according to what he wants and believes. But if I refused, he would blame me for everything. He wants to controll the hell out of me. He made me believe he cares and loves me but hurt me with words, judgements and worst? With gossips. He gossip me to other people in the game from different servers and made me the villain of the story. 

After making me the villain, people are divided. Some believe him, and some asked for my side. I am grateful to those who asked for my side because they knew and believed I’m not like what he’s saying about me. 

Part of me wants to defend and fight back so badly, but another part of me wants to let go and let him. Because arguing with someone like him, who doesn’t know how to listen, is exhausting, I just let him be. I just let him do the talk he wants. I am unafraid of people’s judgment anyway. My worth doesn’t depend on them; it may hurt, honestly, but it’s out of my control.

It’s really hard to tell who is on your side or who is just there as a CCTV, recording your opinions and reporting your actions to someone without knowing the whole truth.

I find it really tough, to the point where I question whether I am even in the right group of people, or if they are talking about me behind my back.

But instead of fighting back and defending myself, I just let them. I let them talk about me. I let them think whatever they want to think about me. 

There are still people who believe in me. My friends who understand and listen to my side without judging me. My friends who have been there since day one, even though most of them are not from the same country as me, I really do appreciate them.

And to those people who just asked my opinion and stabbed me behind, especially to the guy who hurt me so much, the world is spinning, and you’ll get the Karma that is right for you at the right time.

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always there, never the favorite

Published by spellzea

Have you experienced being always there but also the least favorite in a group?

I often experience it. The feeling of being unwanted, unloved, and not the favorite person makes me feel distant and alone. Even though I am always there for them, they seem to don’t care.

Sometimes I think I’m just sensitive and emotional. 

always there, but never the favorite.
Image from Pinterest

But why do I have to feel those specific emotions? Why do I have to be in a group that doesn’t like to be with me?

Either way, it’s just a feeling and thought that kept running through my head for a couple of days, then stopped, then ran again, and the cycle repeated.

I know it’s really hard to communicate online, especially as an empathetic observer. How can I observe in chat? Hard to tell, and the interpretation will depend on how it is read and understood by a reader like me. So, as much as possible, I’m trying to slow down and understand those who thought from different angles.

But reading different books or listening to advice from different experienced people taught me that the opinions of others about me shouldn’t matter. What matters most is my own opinion of myself. Just focus on what I can control and let go of what I can’t.

I should stop caring what other people think. I don’t live for their approval or become someone who always pleases them. My only wish is to be loved, respected, and treated right.

Also, there are times when I’m just overthinking little things. I’m just making it exaggerated, so I have to be careful about what to focus on. 

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happy uxr-niversary 2026 🥳

Published by spellzea

Happy UXR Anniversary!

Today is an important day for me. I will never forget this day and cherish it for the rest of my life! My UXR 3rd anniversary!

I started transitioning my career during the pandemic while managing my family business. I researched careers I could pursue while at home and upskilled by enrolling in online courses, joining a community, and participating in design challenges. 

My dream is to work in tech. Work from home with my PC/laptop. Managing my time and ensuring that I can still do all my household chores to help my parents. Yes! I’m still living with my parents since they are not getting any younger, and I don’t want to be with them and ensure they are safe and sound.

I’m so happy because it’s so fun and exciting that I was once working in a laboratory where I had to be physically present, wear sterile decontaminated suits, gloves, and a hairnet, and use disinfectant wherever I went. 

Before I shift my career

At first, I was okay with it, and I enjoy my job. But shifting isn’t for me. My body clock reacts intensely, and most of the time, I feel weak and have headaches because of poor sleeping habits. But as time went by, I started to think this wasn’t what I wanted. This is not healthy for my health either. 

That’s the reason I pursue my dream job. I know it’s risky because I need to start from scratch again, but it’s okay. I know I can do this!

A dream job isn’t always what we want when we are young; it is something we discover along the way as we learn more about ourselves. At first, I wanted to work in a laboratory until retirement. Still, because of the pandemic, I started exploring a lot of things online, and my interest redirected me into something new to me and to my degree.

When I was in high school, I was sure I wanted a career in programming, but now I am so undecided that I let my parents decide for me. I love using different programs on my computer. I even made a blog using Multiply and Blogspot. I explore a lot of stuff. I also tried designing my own blog template, and it’s just fun. Computer is also my favorite subject, and the organization I joined back then. We call our group “Charles Babbage Club.” (I don’t know. It sounds weird now, but back then, it was awesome, hahaha.)

After graduation, I had a hard time deciding which course to take. My family is from Science courses. I wish I had taken Computer Science since it’s still a “Science,” hahaha, but no. It’s like my path is already written. My mom is competitive, and to be honest, I was under a lot of pressure at the time. My parents want us to be doctors; my sister is in a pre-med program at that time (and kudos to my sister, who is now a doctor! I love you, sissy!), so they are expecting me to choose a pre-med program as well.

I am so confused, and I don’t know what to choose. I remember my First choice was BS Biology, followed by BS Information Technology, and lastly BS Computer Science. After the entrance exam, I got admitted to the BS Biology course, and I was like (omg, Biology is my hatest subject aside from Chem lol). Anyway, I had no choice but to pursue, and luckily, I did! It’s hard, tho, but I finished and majored in Microbiology.

From working in the laboratory to working with users

UXR-niversary
Image from Pinterest

After years have passed, I have finally started pursuing the career I want. I just had a thought: if not now, when? I want to try. 

I know we have different timelines, so whether I made it or not, I am still happy because I tried, and that’s okay.

April 11, 2023, is the day I started a UX Researcher role in a tech company. I was so nervous; after a pandemic of no socialization, I felt like, “Am I able to mingle with these people? Am I able to start a conversation and collaborate with them? ” 

Well, I adjusted like months, from being the most silent to the most talkative in the office, and I miss that! 🥺

Who would have thought that after so many challenges and unpredictable instances, I would still be able to achieve my dream job? I will never forget this day as it made my dream come true! Thank you, Qairos!

Now, I am on a new journey as a UX Researcher in a FINTECH company. I am still proud of myself for pursuing and risking this journey. I am genuinely honored by all the blessings I have received in 2023 and will continue to be thankful in the succeeding years. Thank you, God, for giving me this opportunity. 

Happy Anniversary to me as a UX Researcher! 🥳

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