Healing and forgiveness crossed my mind

I am listening to a podcast while I make my coffee, and with every sip, something catches my attention and makes me more interested in the topic of healing and forgiveness. I usually do a lot of stuff while listening to a podcast, and now that I’ve heard Joyce Pring and Angeli Dub’s conversations about healing and forgiveness, I’m so invested that I really want to hear their thoughts on it.

They also mentioned that you can definitely be happy by releasing all the negativity, such as anger, from your heart. Building good relationships with the people who really care for you is also a stepping stone to a happy life.

The episode “Why Transformations Are So Painful?“ with Joyce Pring from the Life in Progress podcast is a mind-changer for me. Someone who has so much anger in my heart and blames my parents for having a chaotic life.

“And at the end of the day, no matter how successful you are, how much money you make, when you die, it’s your relationships that will really matter. It’s the people whose lives you’ve touched” – Joyce Pring

“Having forgiveness is allowing myself to let go of the anger because I realized that the anger did nothing to change the situation.” – Joyce Pring

A real victim or just a main character vibe?

“We have the choice because we become adults. So I think it’s not really good that we always put the blame and not take accountability.” – Angeli Dub

After hearing what Angeli Dub said, it made me realize, like,

(Yeah, she is right, It isn’t my parents fault to begin with, I just blame them and make them accountable for m life but it’s not their fault This is my life, I’m an adult, I have all the right to do what’s best for myself bu I didn’t and just to not feel the pain and conscience, i put the blame to them for not being the parents I expect them to be, I blame them for comparing me to other people, I blame them for being unfair to me with my siblings until I started to hate them and it becomes an anger until now.)

But whatever reason I have for hating and growing my anger towards them, they are just human. They also figure out how they will become parents, good ones. I focused on all the negative ones without realizing that I’m also happy eating 3x a day, living in a comfortable house, finished my studies, and now working as an adult. I am also privileged in that way, unlike other people who didn’t have that and had to work for themselves to study, eat, and live.

I feel so ungrateful in this, but my anger keeps coming back whenever my parents show unfairness towards me. I feel so left out in this family. I’m the one they usually judge, and I worked hard to get to where I am now, but they aren’t proud of me. They never were. For them, my sister is their muse, their favorite, and someone they can boast about being a Doctor. A professional, and they don’t even find me a professional at some point.

It’s hard for me to forgive, but I’ve also realized that the anger I’ve been holding for decades doesn’t help me with anything. Didn’t do anything, but it pulls me away from people. I started avoiding sharing and interactions because I am not capable of anything; I am not smart, not good-looking, not something parents would be proud of, and it really affects how I view and carry myself to this day. It is also the root cause why I am scared of judgements and people’s opinion because I think they are right just like my parents.

When will I release myself?

After listening to this episode from Life in Progress, I also started to view my life and see the patterns. And yes, anger doesn’t help me at all. It just made me aloof and avoidant of the people I should cherish and love. Even to my friends whom I stopped talking to for years, because of my thought that one day, they will also judge me the way my parents did.

But I judgement is something out of my control. Wherever I go, people will have something on their mind, their impressions of me, and it’s normal. I should stop putting my worth in their hands. I should learn to carry myself with strength and remain unaffected by external factors that don’t really contribute to my growth.

It’s really hard to forgive, but I will try my best to free myself from this kind of cage.

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