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things i carried silently.

Published by spellzea

What do you love now, that you hated when you were younger?

Today is Tuesday. I just ate my lunch from KFC. I always say I’d rather doomscroll blogs than reels, but a daily prompt caught me off guard today and made me think badly about my past and the things I carried silently.

I’ve always wanted to time-travel. Not for anything grand. Just to comfort myself on the nights I cried until I fell asleep, exhausted from feeling so much. The trauma from bullying ran deep. It made me hate myself.

February baby

I was born in February, and apparently that means topakin or easily annoyed, too emotional. That belief got planted in my head early, and it stayed there.

I’m the middle child. Older sister, younger brother. My sister is smart, fair-skinned, beautiful, at least that’s how my parents framed it, over and over, until it became the only frame I had. I’m morena to medium skin tone, noticeably darker than her. I was compared to her constantly. Grades, looks, color. All of it.

things i carried silently.
I’m the one on the left wearing an orange dress, and my sister is in the middle wearing a camouflage top and shorts, together with my cousin beside my sister and my Grandma.

At first, I thought that was just normal sibling stuff. Then puberty hit, and the comparisons stopped feeling normal; they started feeling like verdicts. I am nothing. I am not enough. I am not capable of anything. That’s what I believed, for years.

I was bullied all through high school, and I never told my family. What was the point? They were busy being proud of my sister, and later, busy doting on my brother, the youngest, the only boy. There wasn’t room left over for me.

Image from Pinterest.

I honestly don’t know if I’ve fully healed from that childhood. The pain is still there. Just quieter now.

I hated myself for a long time without realizing I was allowed to feel anything else, that I didn’t have to compare my life against anyone else’s opinions. They’re not the ones feeding me. Why was I letting their opinions decide how I felt about myself?

things i carried silently.

But somewhere along the way, the hurt turned into something else, a kind of numbness, and then, slowly, the start of actually liking myself. I stopped worrying and living for other people’s approval. I stopped needing society’s permission to feel okay.

Now I live quietly. I’ve stepped back from people who aren’t there to support me but rather pull me down. I stopped sharing everyday photos or stories on social media, and I let my small wins be enough because, honestly, they’re the only thing that’s ever really been mine.

So for the question: What do you love now, that you hated when you were younger?

I love myself now, and I will continue living the way I wanted. Investing in myself, journaling when I’m down, watching a movie, or traveling alone when I need to. I will never hate and compare myself to others again. I will always choose my battles and people whom I want to be with.

I miss being a kid because I didn’t get to enjoy being one.

Letting go of everything and letting God do the rest for me. I will entrust everything to him.

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gut feeling and my story.

Published by spellzea

What’s a time you followed your gut and it turned out to be exactly right?

I have terrible luck in relationships. And honestly? I think the universe has a specific algorithm for this, it detects when I’m not ready and immediately sends someone who’s also not ready but doesn’t know it yet.

My someone

gut feeling
My facial expression. Image from Pinterest.

I met this guy in a game. We started chatting there, nothing serious, just normal banter, no feelings, no subtext. At least on my end. But for him? Apparently it was something else entirely. He started with sweet gestures, treating me like I was someone special. And I’m not gonna lie, I felt it. That stupid butterfly-in-the-stomach feeling that I, someone who is neither socially nor romantically active, had completely forgotten existed.

It was… comforting, actually.

gut
Kilig yarn? Image from Pinterest.

We started sharing stories. Dreams, flaws, the messy in-between stuff. I liked that he was making time for me. I’m not someone who talks a lot, but I notice everything, every action, every shift in energy, every thing that doesn’t quite add up.

And slowly, things started not adding up.

He was clingy with other female gamers. Always on calls with them, exchanging stories, being buddy-buddy. I told myself not to overthink it. But something felt off, like we only existed in a controlled environment. Nobody in the game knew about us. He never mentioned me. And the weirdest thing? He’d get visibly upset whenever I messaged him privately on Discord.

Sweet in the game chat. Weird and distant in DMs.

gut feeling
Image from Pinterest.

He had a private server for the game, and he made a special channel just for the two of us, where he’d go back to being sweet again. A little pocket of tenderness, hidden from everyone. When I asked why he hated my private messages, he said his sister uses his Discord and might see it.

I believed him. I went along with the setup.

But my gut was screaming.

Then I heard a female voice during one of our calls.

And that was it, I started connecting every dot I’d been collecting for weeks. The odd excuses. The weird boundaries. The controlled sweetness. All of it.

So I asked him directly: Are you in a relationship? Are you married? Are you living with someone?

He denied it. Then a few days later, he casually dropped that he was actually living under the same roof with his ex-wife, but he told me, “Don’t worry, we’re planning to get a legal divorce, so it’s fine.”

…

I sat there like, oh crap.

Why am I like this. Why do I keep attracting people who are somewhere in the middle of something, mid-situationship, mid-divorce, mid-whatever, and I’m just here, minding my business, trying to play a game.

Certified red flag magnet. Apparently it’s my personality trait now. We ended not so peacefully.

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’cause if we just smile.

Published by spellzea

What’s a song that always puts you in a good mood?

Smile by Johnny Stimson

'cause if we just smile
Image from Spotify

There’s a song I keep coming back to whenever life feels like too much: Smile by Johnny Stimson.

As someone who overthinks just about everything, there are moments when the noise inside my head becomes overwhelmin, anxious spirals, unanswered questions, worries about things I can’t control. When that happens, music is usually the first thing I reach for. Not to distract myself, but to actually settle down.

Smile does that for me in a way few songs do.

The opening verse hits so close to home:

When my heads is full of questions
And the sky is full of rain
When I’m worrying about what I can’t change
I take a look in my reflection
And try to make a funny face
And for a second all my sorrows melt away

It’s such a small, human act, making a funny face at yourself in the mirror. But there’s something quietly profound about it. It doesn’t solve anything. It just reminds you not to take the weight of everything so seriously.

I’ve been listening to this song since college, and I still go back to it on hard days, sometimes to decompress, sometimes just to fall asleep to. The melody is gentle enough to let your mind slow down without forcing it.

What really stayed with me, though, is the second verse:

Maybe we focus on the future
No use in living in the past
Try to remember that the bad times never last
And if we take one step
One step at a time
We’re gonna make it
Gonna make it alright
If we stick together we’ll be fine

There’s something reassuring about being reminded that bad times are temporary, not in a dismissive way, but in the way a good friend might say it. It made me feel less alone in my own head.

I think that’s what this song keeps teaching me: it’s okay to rest. It’s okay to not have everything figured out. You’re human, and that’s enough for today.

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workout girly (again)

Published by spellzea

Why Not Pilates?

My dream pose lol. Image from Pinterest.

As much as I want to try Pilates, I really can’t afford it right now. It’s around ₱1,500 per session, and most studios require at least 10 sessions to see results. I’m actually super motivated to lose weight and be healthy, so 10 sessions sounds ideal, but the total cost is just too steep. So, gym it is!

Why Do I Have a Hard Time Showing Up?

Honestly, this is my biggest struggle. Going to the gym every day is hard enough, but it gets worse when there are a lot of people around. My introverted self really can’t handle crowds, so I’ve been trying to go at 6 AM when it’s quieter.

The problem? My mornings aren’t always okay. Sometimes I work overtime and I desperately need more sleep. And staying consistent is genuinely hard, not because I don’t want to, but because my body clock has a mind of its own.

Still, I’m trying. And I’m really hoping I won’t regret spending this much on a gym membership.

Why I Chose Anytime Fitness

The main reason is the flexibility. My job involves a lot of business travel, so having access to any branch wherever I go is a huge plus. There are also nights when I leave the office really late, like midnight late, and instead of walking home through dark and sketchy streets, I can just stop by the nearest branch to freshen up, use the restroom, and drink some water. Super convenient.

workout girly (again)

It is pricey though, so I really need to make it worth every peso and stay consistent with my workouts. Oh, and the air conditioning? Absolute heaven in this Philippine heat. 😂

My Mistake for Not Reading the Fine Print!

My face while thinking the key fob I paid. Image from Pinterest.

This one still hurts. I didn’t know I could reuse my old Anytime Fitness key fob, so I ended up paying for a new one during sign-up. When I asked if I could get a refund, IT’S NON-REFUNDABLE. 😭

Lesson learned the hard way: always read the terms and ask questions before paying for anything. Don’t be like me!

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